And I fall face down

Here I am once again in awe of my God. The first two weeks of December were some of the most terrible weeks of my life. I just wanted to be me again. When I felt down before, I still had some joy in my heart, but this time all joy was gone, and with it hope. One day I ended up on my knees, once again crying, screaming to God to take my life away or make something out of it. I told him that I couldn't go on, that I couldn't do anything anymore and that I didn't want to. I asked him to take over the pieces of my life. I was done with my life, my self. I surrendered completly. The following weekend I went away to the mountains. Getting away from the city was good, seeing what God has created.

Sunday (11th)I came back home and checked my E-Mails. OM had send me a Mail, asking me to do the job as Teen Street Co-ordinator. They did ask me when I came back from England in 2004 but I turned them down because I wanted to work in a hotel. Well, last week I went and talked things over with them. I realised that this is the job I was looking for and even more. I get to work in an international field, 80%, I can organise things and work with teens at the same time. I get to travel to youthleader- and OM confernces. Wow. I just don't know what to say anymore. It's not that my life is perfect, yet I can see God working there in such an amazing way that it takes my breath away.

Thank you for all your prayers. I'm so blessed with friends all around the world - and people, I love you deeply.

"For when I am weak, then I am strong - the less I have, the more I depend on him" 2 Cor. 12:10b

Numb

I was hoping I could post some happy news. I didn´t think that things could get worse, but they did. I have no strength left. I when I´m alone I cry. I keep on forgetting things. When I´m alone I don´t feel anything at all or I feel pain. I´m glad that my friends get me out. I have much time these days.

The relationship between and my boss got from good to bad to very bad. Then he did the most horrible thing he could do, he made me work on Frieday evenings, that´s when I do youthwork. He knows exactly how important this is to me. A lot of things happend before, but to me, this was the end. I went to see my doctor and he wrote me a paper saying, that I don´t have to go to work this month. I am going to quitt that job, but it´s really hard to find a new one. I don´t really have the strength to do anything, I don´t really want to do anything. I´m just empty. My friends who have known me for years say I´m not myself anymore. I know I´m not. This is but a shadow from what I used to be. I never cryed so much in my life. I never lost hope. Nothing really matters anymore. I can´t belive this is me, I can´t belive I feel this way. It´s like a nightmare and I´m waiting to wake up. I don´t understand, I am confused and I just don´t understand.

Thank you for all your encouraging words and all your prayers, please keep on praying. The love of God and people like you is all that keeps me going.